What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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