I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
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You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
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Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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