just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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