mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
