omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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