Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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