I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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