I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
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Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
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There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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