Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
