I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
