I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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