You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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