she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
