shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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