non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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