Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
