I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
