I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
