last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
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Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
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Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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