woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
