I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
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How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
There's even glitter on my cock...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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