If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
