So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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