First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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