He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
