More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
