She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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