if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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