It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
