so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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