I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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