Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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