: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
