I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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