You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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