I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
