I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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