Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
