we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
