Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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