I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
