If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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