i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
