your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
