She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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