Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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