Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
