so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
