I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
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i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
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That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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