11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
