I like my sex mixed with concussions.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
why does every cop we meet know your name?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
