I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
