i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
